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Sataesh Khan Left Showbiz [Her Transformation Story]
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Sataesh Khan Left Showbiz [Her Transformation Story]
July 29, 2012, 12:23:24 AM »
The journey that has just begun.
About 10 years ago when my parents split up. I always had this urge to have a perfect family. I grew up learning from the circumstances, from people around me, from places I travelled and lived. My family needed a strong leader to help fill the void left by the death of my sister. I had a sister who died of Hepatitis at the age of 17. When I was 11 years old and I had never heard of any sort of disease nor had I known that people can die so young.
It was a Shock for the whole family, nobody could believe for years that she was gone. I used to pray for peace of mind and I used to think to myself if things are going to be ok anytime soon. Days will come when I can go to sleep with no worries back of my head. Though four of us, Me, My two amazing brothers and my mom were too affectionate.
I didn’t feel like I was lacking love or attention. But there’s always been something there that I always felt missing. I didn’t understand what it was, kept me so down and miserable all the time. I had issues trusting people, abandonment. In most cases I’d push away people before they can be of any harm. Sometimes I’d think I was being too proverbial doormat. I was a happy person and cheerful but a lot of things changed after the death of my sister.
By the time I was 16, I hated my life and I’d wish to die. I was broken, depressed and felt like my life was falling apart from an emotional aspect. As far as my Education, career and my future God had truly blessed me. I was so grateful and lucky that I’m physically in the position I’m in Alhamdulillah.
Everything was perfect but this dilemma of, if this is really what I’m supposed to be, is this where I belong? To find myself I took time of 4 years. Too many people came and went. I learned from them so much. And I’m pretty sure every other girl of my age goes through this.
I’ve been a spiritual person from a long time, probably since my sister passed away maybe because I started praying when I was 10 but after God took her away from me. I was disappointed and thought to myself there’s no God because He didn’t listen to my prayers. I don’t remember going back to Sajda for years, until I was 16 and that also because I was being pushed. I never really wanted to pray myself. Its not like my family was distracted In fact my mother has always been very religious and also spiritual.
When I was 18 I started working for this Drama and made some really Good friends. My co-Actors Sarah Chaudhry, Mariam Ali, Affan Waheed, Jamal uncle, Layela aunty. They were like my second family and I felt like I can be myself with them, like totally. We were all so comfortable together because we had to be on one set for 15 days a month.
Strange thing was, every time we’d sit together we’d talk about GOD and nature and HIS creation. How we fit together in this world and It’s system. Then we’d all motivate eachother to pray and I needed it THE MOST. Sometimes I had to pray with them then I’d skip and most times I’d make an excuse because I didn’t really felt like it. Well My Journey had begun then to Where I am today. I wouldn’t mention the things I’ve done in my life because that’s between me & my Lord but all kind of Sh** you can think of right now. I’ve lived a Kaafir’s life (Astaghfirullah) I was only called a Muslim girl because I was born in a Muslim family otherwise I have done much to disappoint Allah Subhanahu Watalla and My Prophet (May peace and blessings be upon him).
Anyway years were passing by and I still felt the same and had no idea where I was headed. I was being Obnoxious with my family. Meanwhile, Mariam Ali and this other guy I wouldn’t name him, helped me in finding myself. Sarah took care of me so much that more than my own mother I was scared of Sarah lol .
One day we find out Sarah had found her Mr Right and getting married soon. After months almost a year, She had moved to Abu Dhabi with her husband. We heard the news as she went secretly. I was mad at her for so long, didn’t speak to her for weeks. Then later on, I remember getting a call from this producer asking about Sarah if she’s gone crazy or something. Because before she went, she gave this interview to some news papers which was published two months later about ‘Leaving the Industry’ for Good. And YES I wasn’t aware of this action of hers.
She had also mentioned in the paper the negativity about this work that she has done for almost 10 years. She said working for television is Haram (forbidden). I got really mad as we were really close that people used to ask if we were sisters or cousins. They stared asking me Questions and I was ignoring them. They’d criticize me and say Oh! if I think the same way? I’d say not yet and when I do, I’d leave myself.
Then Sarah and I made up online. she explained the whole dilemma she went through as we could notice on the set most of the times She’d sit all alone in tears and she didn’t want to be there. We really thought that she might be going through tough time from her family.
While she was telling me her situation I was in tears. She left me with too many Questions. The things she said were absolutely right. Since I had seen ‘The Arrivals’ the very famous documentary about Islam and signs of Satan. Well I was taking more interest in our religion since then. I was curious to know what happens after death, since I wanted to know where my sister was gone.
One evening Sarah was online and she said to me I have a question to ask from the youth, She said “ We know everything, somewhere back of our heads, we can differentiate the wrong and the right without getting confused. Then I fail to understand, WHY don’t we follow”
My thinking process had increased and then I started feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. I hated myself like never before. I was upset because I used to be a really nice girl, I used to be loving, caring, disciplined and smart. And maybe I was feeling this way because I’ve always been extremely sensitive. The question that shook me was ‘’Why have I ruined myself into this worldly environment’’
One by one I stared to Quit and eliminate the bad things and people in my life. I needed good influences. I needed motivation to stand up for the Truth. I didn’t really know what to do but I kind of knew that I’m not too far from the reality.
End of 2011 I find out Sarah is coming back to Pakistan. She invites me to this event, where she’s giving a speech and some other scholars & researchers are attending too. Me and Mariam had planned to go see Sarah to Islamabad few hours’ drive away from Lahore.
As we reach to the venue Faisal Mosque, my heart sank. The first tear dropped by just looking at that Masjid (Mosque) it looks so spiritual and peaceful MashAllah. We walked across the corridor and I see book stalls left & right. Boys and girls are standing smiling selling Islamic books. They were so welcoming unconditionally Alhamdulillah that I almost forgot that this is the same world we live in. We entered the first Hall when I found out that the event was organized by Al-Shifa medical college. I was really excited because I was experiencing it for the first time.
The first hall we went to, all girls were sitting there and a fashion show was going on. Lol before you jump into conclusions this was an ISLAAMIC fashion show of Obaya’s and appropriate dresses for Muslim women. But I was probably expecting a lil too much so for me it was almost inappropriate fashion show. As all girls were screaming out loud and they played this ugly music for the runway. Anyway after the show this lady walked up on stage, she was the first scholar who was going to preach.
So for me the first experience, the first place and the first influence. I was hoping it to be the best for me. As she starts to talk, She said “Assalam o Alaikum, with the name of GOD today I’m here to talk about the most important thing that our youth (specially girls) go through “The void”. Instantly my jaw dropped and I thought for the first time in my life and I MEAN IT (the first time) I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I felt like GOD is communication with me directly. Then she started off and went on & on about it. All these years the questions I had on my mind, this loneliness I went through. She had answered it so easily in 20 minutes.
Me and Mariam were in tears. As she kept giving examples of Hazrat Mariam R.A (Merry) Hazrat Ai’shah R.A (Aisha) Hazrat Khateeja R.A. Everytime She says Mariam, she says ‘Listen to me carefully’ I would look at my friend and we just didn’t know what was happening to us. That feeling can’t be described in words. After her Sarah went up on stage and as she was telling her story, her experience and as she described how she feels now compared to before repentance. We were just shocked. Like, this is the same girl ? and three of us, where we started from and where we are today !! Alhamdulillah ..
As we walked the second hallway I see this man preaching standing on the stage, he was talking about women in Islam. For an hour, I was listening to him. I was so involved that I didn’t know where I was and who were with me. I was in a state of shock and couldn’t see him clearly, he was blur as tears wouldn’t stop rolling down. My shawl was gone wet.
When he was done talking he walked off saying one last thing to wind up “Look what we have and how we waste it, look who we are and how we deny it. We’re following west, poor confused people who don’t even have family values. We have given them the way of life, we have given them the freedom and we have given them The Religion, and yet knowing how constant our Religion is, we have left it on a side as an Obligation. Wake up People, Wake Up”
January 9th 2012.
Changed the whole purpose of my life. The whole prospective towards this world. I walked out of that place promising to myself that I will bring the Revolution. I will be the motivation and I will inspire people. Because brothers and sisters, the fact that is undeniable is that we’ll have to face ALLAH subhanahu Wa talla one day, whether we want it or not. He definitely does not need worshipers but HE’s our creator right ? Like our mother and HIS love for us is 70 times more than 1 mother, Imagine that passion of love and imagine its ‘unconditional’.
Imagine if HE loved me even after I neglected HIM so much. HE loved our Atheists , Jews and Christians brothers and sisters that they’re converting to ISLAAM every single minute of the day SUBHANALLAH !!!
WALLAHI we can’t even imagine the amount of Love that HE has for us. Tears wouldn’t stop falling down my cheeks as I get flash backs of my life. I’m a sinful person and I’ve been so unfortunate not to accept ALLAH subhanahu Wa talla in my heart and how lucky I am today that I get an opportunity after everything that I have done.
I want you to feel what I’ve felt and if I had known what I know now WALLAHI, WALLAHI I would have been a different person. This is what I am today and I’m only 20. Its never too late. People call me crazy, I don’t care anymore as I’m here to please ALLAH subhanahu watalla. I know people say, Oh its hard to leave showbiz and all the luxuries you’re addicted to. All the money and fame you get. Honestly, I give them an example of their loved ones, I ask them when you are in love with a guy or a girl or with your family, you starve for them, you stay up nights for them, you leave things for them, you change your routine for them. You literally sweep them off their feet, yeh ??
My love for my creator and My prophet is so strong that I can do anything for THEM Alhamdulillah. I worry about my hereafter. This world was made to end.
I’ve dedicated most of my life to people and couldn’t gain nothing. Now I stand up for my rights because I have the power of Religion. Alhamdulilah
And somebody said it so right “no matter how hard you try, you’ll end up doing what you’re meant todo” because the best of planners is sitting up there in the skies and we’re HIS puppets. And we will be returned to HIM as we came from HIM.
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Sataesh Khan Left Showbiz [Her Transformation Story]
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